Dear uncle,
It's been a long time since I've written to you. I wish I had something to tell, or even a way to do it. But I don't. There are so many things going on right now, and I really feel like I can't do this anymore. You know... when you were still here with me, by my side, I never really realized how much I needed you. But now that you're gone, I really do. I miss you every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every moment. And I really can't deal with that anymore. You left a hole in my soul, and even if I try to blur the past and hide the feelings, I can't. It's stronger than me. I mean, I'm not even strong anymore. Not like I used to be. Uncle, help me. I'm lost, and I feel helpless like there's no way out for me. I'm trying, I really am. I just can't. I always do the wrong thing even when I just wanna make it right for once. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? It's not fair. I was not like I am now. I'm becoming the girl I said I would never be. And I really mean it when I say I'm lost. I only see empty rooms, frozen walls and dark souls. I miss the light. I was the light. I miss myself. I don't even recognize me anymore. I look in the mirror and I see nothing but shame and guilty. I've done some stupid things lately, and I really wanna apologize for that. I was weak, I am weak. I promised to you I would be strong and deal with this like you would. With straight and courage. But I'm not strong, I'm not brave. You were. And I'm sorry, uncle. I never meant to let you down. I really wanna make you proud of me. Of who I am. It's just so hard to not be able to hug you again. Never again. Because you're gone. I'm still here... but I'm not here at all. I don't feel like I belong to this place anymore. I hate being like this, I hate being here, I hate feeling alone all the time even when there are crowds of people around me, you know? Can you see me right now? Can you listen to me right now? I really wish I could see you as well, or just knowing that you're there and I'm not talking alone, by myself, like I always do. I don't get it, how can people be so mean to each other? This world is cruel, and I'm not ready to be on it. Do you understand? Of course you do... You always did, and maybe you're not here anymore to make me feel better, but I know you'd understand. I kept the memories of you sitting in the sofa almost asleep, or drunk dancing in front of the tv when I was seeing my favorite show. I wanted to punch you because I really loved that show. But now, I wish I could just stand up and dance with you. See you laugh again, and laugh with you. Or just see you and hug you again. Just once again. One last time. I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye. But to be honest, I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I'd just cry and run away like I always do. It's impossible to be prepared to say goodbye for someone you know you'll lose. And I lost you... it hurts so badly, like all I have is broken pieces of what used to be the most beautiful puzzle in the world. Broken bones of what used to be me. I'm sorry. I know you're not proud of who I am, of what I'm doing. And you can't even imagine how painful it is to wake up every day and realize it was not a nightmare. It was real. It's been 4 years and I haven't surpassed your lost yet. I'll never surpass it. It's impossible. You were here, and in a second you weren't there anymore. I can't stop remembering how it was... It was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget the horror expression in your face while you were there laying on the ground dying in front of me. I was empty, I couldn't react. I'm still like that today. I wish I could turn places, or something. I really wish I could go away instead of you. You're the strong one here. You're the one who can be a good person in a world of mean people. And I can't. I'm sorry, again. You know... things are getting really hard to deal with. I can't even breathe properly without feeling the emptiness. Maybe one day, I won't wake up to this living hell anymore. Maybe one day, I'll wake up there, not here. And maybe then, I'll feel whole again. I miss you, uncle.
With love,
The person who misses you the most in this world. xx
